in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
