You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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