I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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