Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
