I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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