There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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