I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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