You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
