Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
