She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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