I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
