Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
