My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
