I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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