I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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