I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
