I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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