ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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