I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do vagina's smell?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
