I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
