you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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