it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
