Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
