a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
