I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
