mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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