I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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