TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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