My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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