Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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