can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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