just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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