fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
