Soap is not a condiment
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
