we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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