I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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