my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
