You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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