He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
