He uses pillows to masturbate.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
