I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize