ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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