I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
