I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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