I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize