I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
