i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
