Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
