Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
