you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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