I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
