He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
