she woke up with a sticky ear
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
