I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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