Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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